Interesting title, right? I woke up today with these thoughts on my mind about my journey and where it has led me so far and felt it would be interesting to reflect a little bit about my journey in mainstream media. I have come quite a long way off that path, yet I still find myself here, writing and blogging and also making the occasional film when I feel inspired.
Create your own world - art unknown
I have always felt this desire to "show" people beautiful things about the earth and the people. The ways humans live around the world, their uniqueness and differences have always deeply inspired me and I wanted others to witness that beauty. So my idea was to do something with film, where I could tell stories using sound and visuals to tell compelling stories. I decided to do a degree in media and communication sciences to learn to use these different tools and then I felt this calling to go and work for national TV! This was always there somehow and I experienced very funny synchronistic events during my time at University. One time, I got stopped by an old lady in a grocery store that said to me: "You are that woman from TV!" Well, I am not, but surely that's where I'm headed, I thought at the time! So I applied for an internship role after my degree and knew pretty much after the job interview that I had the job! I was so excited to learn and eager to express myself, I couldn't wait to start this first position and work for national TV.
Well guess what... It wasn't quite how I expected it to be... I loved their program and what I was able to be apart of, but I felt very disconnected from the true "film making" stuff, to a point where I stayed in the office all day translating and transcribing scripts from India and Africa, places I thought I could maybe see and be able to give some input and create something too. It was somehow an incredibly sad experience because the longer I was there, the more I felt no one wanted to know my unique view or perspective on the world. I wasn't given a voice. They were just doing their thing, on their own terms like they always have. Everyone felt of course the way they chose to do it was the best and will bring about the best program. I was put off. I didn't understand what I was doing there... It was an incredibly insightful journey however, as I saw how difficult it was to exist in a traditional environment with new ideas and perspectives that no one seemed to be able to connect to. This is how I felt a lot in general. Not finding a place in mainstream society because I am just a little bit different.
By the end of this, I felt dead inside. I wondered why all signs had pointed me here and I feel that I now know what I was supposed to learn and see. We always have a choice. I had a choice to find a place in an existing environment, maybe it would have somehow worked out, who knows... But it was difficult to find allies which you would definitely need, someone that believes in you - that could open some doors for you. I had experienced and seen quite a few things that felt hostile and ego driven and I just wasn't sure if I could co-exist and play along these games just to one day be able to "make your own films"... Playing "dirty" is not in my nature. My feeling told me it would be a rocky path. There was this other path opening up to me though, it felt incredibly wonderful to maybe build a new "system" and exist and create something that would be totally in line with my needs and visions. And also attract like minded individuals who would want to co-create. The voice I wasn't given just needed to start singing! I chose to go with this and I never looked back. I needed quite some time processing my experiences and mining their gems.
I feel incredibly lucky to be able to live and create in the way I do now. I do miss structure sometimes, because I am a very organised person and lack of structure makes me feel a bit ungrounded. So this is what I am working on currently. Building the best "system" for myself that fully and wholeheartedly supports me. I have never felt a need or desire to go back "into the system". Of course, there is so much more I envision for myself and we are just at the beginning. Unlimited possibilities and creating our biggest dreams is what I am feeling and sensing is possible for us all now... We are so supported. Much love to you on your journey xx Lena